When Skies Are Gray

It's been a trying week for the SVT Team. In our second week of test-driving the new San Francisco / San Jose setup, there are been lots of learnings, trials and tribulations.



Making strides to continually better oneself in the constructs of a relationship does require a constant kind of self-examination and looking under the proverbial emotional "hood". The importance of conducting more mindful discussions around scheduling has surfaced as a topic for betterment, as well as the process of assessing how decisions are made in the relationship.

As a former jetsetter, I've often defaulted with the "well, this might be a game-time decision" reply when it comes to decision management, mainly where less urgent and important decisions, topics and events are involved. A technique developed from years of fine tuning the immediate but non-committal RSVP, a coping mechanism for the young professional with the great luxury of too many invitations. But that was then, when it was just me and the big bad city.

Important decisions obviously take a lot of time and conversation to work through. When it was just me, everything felt so black and white. Yes, I want to sail in this regatta or No, I'm not interested in that party. In a relationship, when it comes to relaying information around events and decisions, it can be easy to feel that there's some shortcoming in how information is delivered, particularly when the reply is "This is new information - why wasn't I told sooner?" When it comes to joint decision-making, how do you make sure that your SO's opinion is clearly heard and considered, and how do you move forward together with a decision?

I don't know much when it comes to this topic but here's what I'm learning:
1. Gather as much information and context on said event/decision as possible.
2. Check joint calendar to forecast any possible conflicts.
3. Consider drafting/mapping out your thoughts and presentation style before proposing a big idea or making the pitch for an event.
4. Remember that your SO is going to have a different decision-making style and set of preferences from you. They will need time to marinate on the thought, and possibly a deadline by which a decision should be made.
5. Remind yourself to be patient with the decision making process. Practice makes perfect (or better, at least).
6. Listen carefully to SO's thoughts on said topic/event/decision. Work through areas of incongruences together.
7. Repeat back what you are hearing as your SO's thoughts on the decision topic.
8. If decision continuity doesn't come together, sleep on it and try Steps 1 -7 again tomorrow.

Communication in relationships is tough. Even when the conversation feels cloudy, it's important to remember to take a deep breath and to see the sunshine that stands before you - wanting to improve the relationship and achieve balance together.

The Rose and The Thorn

I heard today that every night at dinner, the Obama Family says grace, and then discusses the "rose" and the "thorn" of their days. I love this idea, and I think the reflection of the day leads to great connectedness over time.

What dinnertime traditions does your family have?

Home Should Be Your Sanctuary

My Mom has always said the phrase "home should be your sanctuary" which I took to mean "clean up your mess". She's an incredibly smart person and it took most of my young adulthood to figure out exactly how spot-on this phrase is…

The more complex work became the more time and energy it stole from Family & Friends and personal hobbies / projects outside of work. Over time the changes are subtle and often go unnoticed but slowly they crept into places that should have been better protected. How many times has a late night at the office resulted in missing dinner with family or friends? How many times has putting in extra effort during the day made you too tired on the evenings and weekends to pursue a hobby or other personal interest?

Work is by no means the enemy, in fact it's the most important part to keeping life sustainable. Ultimately you're the only one who can decide where to spend your time and energy…

For many years my home was a place of stress and frustration with how cluttered it had become. After a long day / week at work the time and effort to make things more livable would have exhausted the little energy that remained. This only fueled the frustration even further until the tipping point we decided to start getting rid of as much as possible.

There are tons of goals and rules for when to get rid of something, and this is the one I'm using:

If you haven't touched it, you don't need it…

Clutter accumulates not only in your home but in work, with family, and with the hobbies and personal interests you pursue. Take a quick snapshot of the half-finished projects sitting around and be honest of when they will actually get done. If it takes more than 10 seconds to come up with an answer that project will never get completed. At a certain point the motivation and excitement to take on a new project evolve into a burden as procrastination takes over.

When you feel overrun with clutter one of the most liberating feelings is to start getting rid of as much as possible. We've started on this journey and can honestly say of all the tech gadgets, clothes, and non-essentiallys that have been sold or given away there isn't a single thing we've regretted.

For the first time possibly ever as an adult, home is starting to feel like a sanctuary ;)

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Topher

The Pursuit of "Stuff"

Everyone likes a good collection of stuff; a prized stamp / coin collection, a never-ending collection of movies, a wall full of family photos and memories, etc…

"Stuff" can be one of the greatest motivators and rewards for a hard days work. Over the years working at a large company it was insightful to see the "stuff" that people purchased. All of this stuff became much more than a collection or hobby, it became a way of life for an insane number of people.

After deciding to take a career break it's disturbing to take a look at how much "stuff" has accumulated in my life over the years. Purchases intended to be an immediate gratification have come with a significant longterm consequence. Not all of it is bad but in totality it's an overwhelming task to get back to basics.

One way to illustrate this is the Stuff Inversion Paradox;

Early in a career accumulation of "stuff" is a sign of success, however later in that career liberation from "stuff" is a greater sign of success

It's easy to say that "stuff" is solely material possessions but candidly it's the immaterial "stuff" that makes the most difference.

The amount of stress often increases at an accelerated rate the longer you stay on a career path. If you're not careful those kinds of immaterial stuff will take over every portion of your life.

The Silicon Valley is well known for the pursuit of new startups, homes, cars, gadgets, social circles, et al… but I think the greatest pursuit is to have less "stuff" in your life :)

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Topher

Life is a Four-Sided Triangle

In Kindergarten we are taught that triangles have three-sides, no more and no less…

Somewhere before third grade we are taught that all squares are rectangles, but not all rectangles are squares…

It has taken almost 30 years to come to this conclusion, but I've learned that learned that the four-sided triangle can be the most amazing thing in the world…

A four-sided triangle occurs when two triangles share a single one of their edges. In many ways it's a metaphor for how relationships begin and morph over time. It all starts by two triangles that decide to share a portion of themselves with another.

For the past year my amazing girlfriend (and best friend…) and I have spent commuting between the three places we call home; San Francisco, Menlo Park / Palo Alto, and San Jose. Balancing our careers with our relationship with our family & friends with our adventures & travel had hit a critical crossroads. We had become lost in the nebula that is the Silicon Valley.

After 10 years of working my dream job at a Cupertino-based tech company it was time to start a new adventure. When you're heads-down in a Silicon Valley career often the little things go neglected and unappreciated. Chrissy and I spent most of this past year figuring out how to piece everything together in our lives but the thing which stood out most was the realization that I needed a career break. Giving notice of resignation at a job I loved so much has been incredibly hard and something that continues to be an internal struggle. These concerns are put to rest knowing that it's the best decision for the path ahead.

There's a point in your life that you feel the need for a timeout. If you feel that way more than once per week, there's probably something to it.

Balancing life between the three corners of our Silicon Valley Triangle isn't going to be easy but I couldn't imagine a better partner to be navigating these unknown waters with.

Drive Fast, Take Chances…

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Topher